Childbirth at 65
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old
friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the
hospital and went home, I went to visit.
'May I see the new baby?' I asked
'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'
'No, not yet,' She said.
After another few minutes had elapsed,
I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'
'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?'
Sometimes seniors can be pretty sharp
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the
dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 90 mph, enjoying
the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-70, pushing the pedal even
more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him,
lights flashing and siren blaring.
He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought,
'What am I doing? I'm too old for this,' and pulled over to await the
trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked
at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is
Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard
before, I'll let you go.'
The old gentleman paused. Then said, 'Years ago, my wife ran off
with a State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.'
'Have a good day, sir,' replied the trooper.
Will I live to be 80?
Here's something to think about. I recently picked a
new primary care
doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said
I was doing 'fairly
well' for my age. A little concerned about that
comment, I couldn't resist
asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke
tobacco, or drink beer or wine?' 'Oh no,' I
replied. 'I'm not doing drugs,
either! Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and
barbecued ribs? 'I said,
'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very
unhealthy! 'Do you
spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or
bicycling?' 'No, I don't,' I said. He
asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or
have a lot of sex?' 'No,' I said.
He looked at me and said,.... 'Then, why do you even
give a hoot?
Enjoy your plane ride
Hey, we live in a stressful and speedy world, and we can all use a laugh now and then. We hope you enjoy some of these stories from true experiences.
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here
are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.
4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"
5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed
giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone
voice came over the loudspeaker:
"Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
8. >From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,
but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than
Southwest Airlines."
11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event
of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take
them with our compliments."
12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses."
13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo . Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little
old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask
you a question?" "Why, no, Ma' am," said the officer. "What is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching
halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the
warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick
your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing You should see the back of mine."